Looking Through Another

The other day we were out having dinner at local restaurant. An elderly women rose at the adjacent table and slowly wandered to our table. She spoke softly with a gentle smile on her face. I noticed a tear in her eye. Our family touched her. She told us how at her age she had learned to appreciate many things, among those appreciations was our family. Apparently watching us brought a tear to her eye. She explained how she loved watching our family interact. She thanked us, placed her hands on Kelly and Josie and returned to her seat.

That encounter made me pause and think. Our family must be content. That is the only plausible explanation on why a total stranger would take the time to tell us how she appreciated our family. I love how we are seen as a family, and no one ever questions the different skin colors. Our smiles and laughter are truly colorless.

And I thought a little more. What would it have been like to see through that woman's eyes? To think her thoughts. To feel the raw emotion that led to the subtle tears. During all those times where we are angry, sad, or frustrated, it would be nice to step outside ourselves and see our situation through another. Maybe then we would realize that life is what we make of it, and often our stressful situations are quite trivial.

Relationship Building

A mother-daughter bond is an amazing, almost palpable, display of love. It is a connection that develops with that first interaction. The first touch. The first smile. The first eye contact. It is a web that develops catching the souls of each and holding them so close to the heart. It is a bond that develops at birth, but Josie wasn't born to this family, so it is a bond that is still blossoming.

It is interesting. Imagine being blind, slowly feeling the others face, becoming intimate with the the soft hair of the eye lashes, the gentle curve of the lips, the strength of the jaw. Each person learns from this interaction. One becomes familiar with the face, the other with the soft touch of the hand. This is Kelly's life right now. Josie touches Kelly, but Kelly wonders if Josie knows who she is. It is difficult. A mother wants her child to truly understand that her love is unconditional, but with this adoption doubt is difficult to escape. Kelly is waiting for that reassurance that Josie knows her as he mother. That Josie looks to her before she is held by another. A look that shows that slight hesitation, that time where a daughter knows that her mom is watching and her mother's eyes reciprocating reassurance that everything will be fine. A glance from the child that says "mom, I love you" even as she enters the arms of another.

I see that bond forming. A subtle backward step towards mom. A slight pause when she hears moms voice. It is there, but I think any mother would question the subtlety, and hope for more concrete actions. It is amazing to see how Kelly and Josie are looking to each other for the exact same feelings. Attachment!

Drums are LOUD!

We all have hopes and dreams for our children. We want them to be the best at everything they try, but realistically we all have individual talents that we hope we discover. As parents we push our children to try many different things in their lifetime, hoping that we can find that one thing that that excel at. We all hope that our children are the next Picasso, Michael Jordan, Einstein, or any famous person that may leap out from your thoughts. I don't know what Isaac will excel at, but I have so far ben impressed with his drums.

This post is for his Uncle Jordan.

Home Alone

Kelly left for the weekend. A girls weekend with friends. A weekend she deserves as these last couple of months have been emotionally and physically draining. I wish she were home, but I know that she needs this time.

I must admit that I was terrified at the idea of her leaving. My boys would be easy. To them this is a guys weekend which means pizza, movies and Wii. Time to leave things a little messier (at least until an hour before mommy returns). Time to play catch, play basketball, wrestle; be a guy! Josie is the unknown. When mom is home Josie does not want me to put her down for a nap or put her to bed. In fact, at those times she doesn't even want me to give her a bottle. Bedtime is mom time! This sounds terrible, but this behavior only surfaces at these times and the majority of the day we are friends We love to play and laugh. She loves her mom and her mom loves her. Pre-sleep rituals are bonding times. The time a mother and daughter emo

tionally intertwine to develop that mother-daughter relationship that men can never understand. Yet you can see the bond in the way they hold each other so close that they almost become one entity. A connection forms that they both need and I enjoy so much watching.

So here I sit. Josie sleeping so restfully in the room just down the hall. I'm proud of her. She was able to feel comfortable enough to allow me to put her to bed. No fight. No crying. And I had the opportunity to have a piece of the closeness that normally happens with her and her mother every night. She nestled in. Tucked her arms under mine. Laid her head on my chest. Her heart beat next to mine and I breathed slightly deeper than normal hoping to breath in a small part of her soul. I smiled. She really is my daughter and this is her home.

I have learned so much from this adoption. The appreciation we have for Josie is hard to explain. I would never say I appreciate her more than my other children, but I do think we appreciate her better. I think there is a maturity factor that accounts for some of this, but I also think that our lives have evolved and are more settled, thus allowing us to absorb more of those little moments that kids offer. This is not meant to belittle all the time I have spent with my other children, because that time was just as precious. It is just a slight d

ifference I have noted in myself. I am learning to appreciate my other children in a similar manner and thus this adoption has helped this family become closer and hopefully has helped me to be a better father.

I sure do love my kids, my wife, my family, and my life. It has become obvious this has not happened by chance, but that I have truly been blessed. I can only look up and say thank you.

Understanding but forgetting

This weekend we had the opportunity for a friend to speak Creole to Josie. She paused. She stared. She seemed scared. I think there is little doubt that the speech was familiar to her. This seemed to be another example where her Haiti life is a life that she is trying to forget. She is moving on. But yet I am not entirely comfortable with this movement. I am so glad that she is enjoying her new life, but I would like her to understand her past. I know that she is too young to understand everything that has happened to her, however at some point in her life we will need to revisit her story again. Her family is here, but I know that she deserves to understand Haiti and the first 18 months of her life.

She needs to hear about her mother and the amazing sacrifice that her mother made. As much joy as Josie has brought this family, the sadness that her mother may have felt could be so much more. Josie's biological mother made probably the most difficult decision of her life, to give up her daughter up for adoption. I can't imagine the amount of self reflection that is needed to come to the realization that one can't care for their own child. I feel that her decision, although others may disagree, is an expression of true love. She gave up her child so that her child could reach her full potential.

On a lighter side, Isaac came home from school the other day and hopped on the computer. His mission was top secret, but suddenly a letter appeared. Kelly and I loved it so much I thought I would share it....

Dear Mom and Dad,
Thank you for the books I like them.I love you so much.Thank you for the snake again. Josie is so cute and I love her too.I like the jump rope. You are the best Mom and Dad. I like Napayshni a lot. I like Clyde to. you guys are so cool. I like snicker and nestle. It is almost spring. It is sunny outside. We have a lot. i’m going to go outside. I have the best Family. Some times Snicker is a pain in the butt. Kade is really cool. I can see Josie likes the shopping cart.Josie is really funny.



Love,
Isaac

In case your wondering, all those odd names, are the names of my kids pets.

Life and Death

My oldest loves his pets. They are his passion. When one dies, tears flow, and one of the hardest aspects of life is learned. Last night we said good-bye to the corn snake. The corn snake was the latest addition to his collection. He first laid his hands on it Christmas morning, and handled this snake almost everyday. As much as he loves animals, he is paticularly drawn to snakes. Why? I have no idea, but there is a connection that is almost palpable. Since first grade he has said that he wanted to be a herpetologist. His teacher at the time did not even know what that was, so he calmly explained that this was a person who studied reptiles. Certainly not a normal response from a first grader, but to him, anyone that doesn't like reptiles has a lack of appreciation for one of God's greatest gifts. This is not his first loss, but is the first snake to have passed. A tough lesson, but one he understands. It is difficult to say good-bye. Today the snake will be buried. Tonight the sadness will begin to slowly fade away. Another example of how we need to appreciate each day in its entirity, as we too often find ourselves wishing we had lived our lives differently after we are forced to say good-bye.

TV Appearance

It will be interesting to see how our story is told on Miranda this weekend. I have included the link to her home page for those of you interested in watching. Her website outlines times, but I was also told that it will air on WXSP Channel 18 this Friday at 7pm. http://www.mirandatv.com/