Just the Beginning

So many moments. So little time. I'm sure as I look back I will be frustrated that I didn't take the time to briefly reflect on those short moments that define our lives.

I'll begin with a short 15 minute court appearance that closed the door on a chapter of our lives that is still difficult to grasp, still difficult to understand, and probably will never be able to be explained with emotion that it deserves. Erline Celias finally became Josie Erline Shomin. Since January 19th, we have been introducing Erline as Josie, but legally we have been sponsoring this child until October when that short court appearance presented Josie Erline Shomin to her new mom and dad. I understand that we have been her parents since we first held her in the Miami International Airport, but now there is closure. An atypical family with an unusual beginning, but yet, a family. Nothing is atypical about our love, our bond, our support, our connections. We are a family.

So Josie had become a Shomin and my boys have opened their hearts and their home to this little girl. It hasn't always been easy, and we sometime forget how much they have sacrificed. But they have grown, and their personalities continue to blossom.

The environmental school has been a perfect fit for Kade and yes that is a real Praying Mantis. There were a few growing pains. Yet the teacher he initially feared has become a role model for Kade. Mr.G is demanding, but these demands have brought with them a maturity level that has exceeded my expectations. Kade is bright, but never enjoyed school. Now school has a new meaning. A day of adventure with learning so subtle that the children do not realize the education that is offered. Minds grow, personalities develop and children exceed expectations. How good is the fit? In second grade Kade said he wanted to be a herpetologist (a person who studies reptiles). At Goodwillie, Kade was nick-named "Reptilian". So many paths, but so far Kade has found his way by making his own trail.

Isaac completed his first year of football and he loved it (#6 cornerback on the far side of the field). He may have been the lightest kid on the team, but Isaac is solid. At only 8, he doesn't realize his own strength, but he understands his heart. His heart drives his desire to succeed, but he is one of the the most compassionate kids I know. I can say with honesty that when I watch Isaac, I learn so much. He is determined, however he will listen. Never being afraid to fail, and willing to learn from others. Yet his determination never leads him astray. I enjoy watching him. The ice cream truck plays faintly in the distance. Isaac runs to grab money, but he always grabs enough to cover his brother, sister or even neighbor. He is the one that always reminds us at each meal to pray. A wispered thank you at those times when one is not needed. A good hearted kid whose passions are his own. Compassion is what he shares with others.

Today I watched Josie walk in the door of the restaurant where we were meeting her mother. A sudden "Mama!". A pitter-patter of feet that began slowly, quickly picking up pace as if the train had just pulled away from the station. A smile. Then a hug! At times Kelly still wonders if she is bonding with Josie. But today I watched everyone in a full restaurant hold their breath and whisper "awww". Yep, she is mama's little girl and now we have the paper to prove it.

A Perfect Season

The ping of the ball flying off the bat filled the air. Then a moment of silence. I watched and the ball seemed to hang against the cloudless blue sky. Suddenly I realized the path of the ball. It was headed right towards Isaac in left center. I could feel my heart beat and I was terrified to watch but my eyes remained glued on Isaac. The phrase, "I'm the worst player on my team!", tugged at my emotions because those were the exact words that Isaac spoke before the game. Words that came out of no-where, but a feeling of despair that weighed heavy on our minds. Here he was, one on one with the ball, a moment that would define the season. The glove snapped shut. Slowly the glove opened, the ball was nestled between the leather walls, fitting snugly within the pocket. My heart started to beat again, a sigh or relief. The excitement of the moment literally frozen in time. You see, Isaac was so excited he didn't know what to do next. Suddenly coaches yelled, "Isaac throw it in!". Time still frozen. A few more seconds of uncertainty and finally the ball made it back to the pitcher. The play officially over and I could finally enjoy being the proud parent. In my mind the game ended right then, but the reality is there was still one more out that had to be made. Honestly I don't even recall the last out, I was to busy still being proud. I knew this moment would ease Isaac's pre-game thoughts and offer nothing but confidence for next year.
Baseball finally ended. I thought I would be excited because baseball dominates so much time in the spring. This year it felt like we were constantly running. The hardest night was Wednesday. Kelly had 2 practices at 2 different locations at 2 different times, I was gone at work and Josie was a busy, not always so patient 2 year old. So you can image the chaos that ensued. But Kelly and I always miss the season when it is over. It is a lot of work, but watching our children is so enjoyable for each of us. This year Isaac's team was perfect, 16-0. Personally, for me, the perfection will always be in that season ending catch.

For most, summer begins. Kade's friend however remains in the hospital. We think about this child everyday. We hold onto every encouraging piece of information that comes our way. We feel for the family. We hope for the best. Kelly and I try to read Kade and understand his emotions. He keeps his feeling so hidden. I think he does not know how to handle them, so he keeps these emotions under lock and key, never fully facing them, but subtly understanding them. Today Kade found the key, and relaesed these emotions into an ear to ear smile that lifted the spirits in the room and left Kelly with a tear in her eye. Apparently Kade' friend has progressed enough that his parents offered him the chance to have a visitor. When asked, he requested Kade. An honor Kade will never fully grasp. An honor insignificant to mere fact that Kade's friend is finally winning the battle with his illness. Childhood friendships. Kindness, compassion and love. Christ-like behaviors that we should truly understand and appreciate. Friendships change with time, so the final outcome of this relationship cannot be predicted, but I believe the time Kade spends with his friend will follow Kade for the rest of his life. This moment will impact who he is today and who he will become tomorrow. Very few 10 year olds prepare to say goodbye and then, suddenly are invited to experience a miraculous hello.

A Two-out Rally

The last pitch was thrown. A called strike. A two-out rally had ended as suddenly as that faint glimmer of hope had surfaced with two walks and now runners at 1st and 2nd. Faces turned down, hope became despair and heavy feet kicked dust in the air. The baseball season ended sooner than every child on the team had expected. A winning season, ended with a first round tournament loss. A season full of wins, makes losing so much more difficult to except. Expressionless faces, a few tears, kids slowly walked to their parents cars. Their emotions much larger than the ball field, now only seen through the rear view mirror.

It is hard as a parent to see our children lose. The disappointment in their eyes tug at our hearts. We console or kids and try to impart wisdom to help lessen the sting. Little do our kids know how much of the pain we share. We search for the right words. We search for that perfect moment where we can teach our children that, yes, losing is disappointing. We stress those magical moments that occur during the season that will forever be irreplaceable. Moments that will bring us back to the game and the possibility that we will again face the reality of losing.

And sometimes life replaces our words and events unfold that truly teach us that a game lost is, well, nothing more than an opportunity to look forward to future games and future wins. We get lost in the emotions of our games until reality sets in and we learn the truth to our disappointment...it's just a game.

The disappointment continued to hang in the air. Kade's emotions still difficult for him to handle. Then real tragedy hit. A brief email suddenly brought perpestive to all of us. Kade's friend became critically ill. Suddenly the game seems so long ago and the unexpected turns of life hit us right in the face. We feel lost.

We tuck our children into bed. Our usual prayers take on a new direction. No longer does striking out feel that bad. We take time for each other. We take a moment for Kade's friend. The loss of a game now seems simple, but our earlier hope for that two-out rally is rediscovered in a more meaningful situation.

Growing Up

I always laughed at my wife, because she would have a hard time parting with clothes that no longer fit the kids. It was her way of holding onto the moment, stopping time and not allowing the kids to age another day. Of course her efforts were fruitless, but I always chuckled at the idea. Today was different. At the boys end of the year talent show, I finally realized that my kids are growing up. Not aging, but maturing. I listened as the staff sang "We Will Miss You" to the beat of We Will Rock You, realizing that Kade is moving on to a new school and Isaac will complete his time at Ada Elementary. No longer will their days start and end at the same location. And Kelly points out that they will be apart until high school.

Separation marks a new beginning, but also a loss for each. Sure they have their disagreements. Yet they always would look out for one another at school, catching a glimpse of the other out of the corner of their eye and finding comfort in that brief moment. Enemies at times, but brothers forever.

Kade moves onto Goodwillie and Isaac will become Isaac. Isaac's first step into his own personna occurred today at school when he played his drums. He put away his fears, put on his headphones and for a moment became the big brother. He was so excited and as parents we were ever so proud. It is hard to beleive, but my kids are growing. For me, this marks the first time I have wanted to hold on to the clothes that were too small. Yep, a touch of sadness as I realized my kids are growing. I should have understood my wife has known what she is doing all along.

Whew....

Life has been so hectic that I have had a difficult time to sit and, well, sit. I forgot what life was like with a 2 year old. Constant motion. Hands that seem to reach beyond one's expectations, and cat like quickness that won' t let you turn your back for a second. Oh, the life of a two year old. Last night at dinner, the boys and I talked. We laughed about the frustrations associated with a 2 year old. None of us could completely understand how we can be so angry, yet love this little one so much. We laughed,
I breathed.
Life continues to move forward. Kade and Isaac are so busy with baseball. Between their games, practices, my work nights, and sweet Josie I have had a hard time finding down time. So the blog has lost time with me. A large gap where so much has happened, and sadly some of the moments worth remembering will slowly fade into nothingness.

Time for a breath. A moment to sit. A moment to relax. Time to reflect.But yesterday was one of those magical days. A moment where tears begin to form, our heart beats in our throat and time stands still. I watched Kade slowly open his letter to Goodwillie Environmental School. His hands shook. The envelope seemed so difficult to open. The paper tore, suddenly I saw "Congratulations!". A month of waiting, a moment of relief. Kade had been accepted into the school. A time to breath. I am fortunate that my 10 year old was accepted into a very competitive school, but we openly talked about the many who may have had their breath taken away as they realized that one of their hopes may have been left unrealized. Another of life's hard lessons. Our fortune is another's misery. Elated and sorrowful. So many ups and downs. So much happiness, but a time to reflect on another's loss. Learning to be gracious can be difficult for a child,but it is a value that is so important.

I am so proud of my children. Our biggest lesson, if you always give your best effort, you will never have anything to be ashamed of. They are learning, and I am still learning from them.

Looking Through Another

The other day we were out having dinner at local restaurant. An elderly women rose at the adjacent table and slowly wandered to our table. She spoke softly with a gentle smile on her face. I noticed a tear in her eye. Our family touched her. She told us how at her age she had learned to appreciate many things, among those appreciations was our family. Apparently watching us brought a tear to her eye. She explained how she loved watching our family interact. She thanked us, placed her hands on Kelly and Josie and returned to her seat.

That encounter made me pause and think. Our family must be content. That is the only plausible explanation on why a total stranger would take the time to tell us how she appreciated our family. I love how we are seen as a family, and no one ever questions the different skin colors. Our smiles and laughter are truly colorless.

And I thought a little more. What would it have been like to see through that woman's eyes? To think her thoughts. To feel the raw emotion that led to the subtle tears. During all those times where we are angry, sad, or frustrated, it would be nice to step outside ourselves and see our situation through another. Maybe then we would realize that life is what we make of it, and often our stressful situations are quite trivial.

Relationship Building

A mother-daughter bond is an amazing, almost palpable, display of love. It is a connection that develops with that first interaction. The first touch. The first smile. The first eye contact. It is a web that develops catching the souls of each and holding them so close to the heart. It is a bond that develops at birth, but Josie wasn't born to this family, so it is a bond that is still blossoming.

It is interesting. Imagine being blind, slowly feeling the others face, becoming intimate with the the soft hair of the eye lashes, the gentle curve of the lips, the strength of the jaw. Each person learns from this interaction. One becomes familiar with the face, the other with the soft touch of the hand. This is Kelly's life right now. Josie touches Kelly, but Kelly wonders if Josie knows who she is. It is difficult. A mother wants her child to truly understand that her love is unconditional, but with this adoption doubt is difficult to escape. Kelly is waiting for that reassurance that Josie knows her as he mother. That Josie looks to her before she is held by another. A look that shows that slight hesitation, that time where a daughter knows that her mom is watching and her mother's eyes reciprocating reassurance that everything will be fine. A glance from the child that says "mom, I love you" even as she enters the arms of another.

I see that bond forming. A subtle backward step towards mom. A slight pause when she hears moms voice. It is there, but I think any mother would question the subtlety, and hope for more concrete actions. It is amazing to see how Kelly and Josie are looking to each other for the exact same feelings. Attachment!

Drums are LOUD!

We all have hopes and dreams for our children. We want them to be the best at everything they try, but realistically we all have individual talents that we hope we discover. As parents we push our children to try many different things in their lifetime, hoping that we can find that one thing that that excel at. We all hope that our children are the next Picasso, Michael Jordan, Einstein, or any famous person that may leap out from your thoughts. I don't know what Isaac will excel at, but I have so far ben impressed with his drums.

This post is for his Uncle Jordan.

Home Alone

Kelly left for the weekend. A girls weekend with friends. A weekend she deserves as these last couple of months have been emotionally and physically draining. I wish she were home, but I know that she needs this time.

I must admit that I was terrified at the idea of her leaving. My boys would be easy. To them this is a guys weekend which means pizza, movies and Wii. Time to leave things a little messier (at least until an hour before mommy returns). Time to play catch, play basketball, wrestle; be a guy! Josie is the unknown. When mom is home Josie does not want me to put her down for a nap or put her to bed. In fact, at those times she doesn't even want me to give her a bottle. Bedtime is mom time! This sounds terrible, but this behavior only surfaces at these times and the majority of the day we are friends We love to play and laugh. She loves her mom and her mom loves her. Pre-sleep rituals are bonding times. The time a mother and daughter emo

tionally intertwine to develop that mother-daughter relationship that men can never understand. Yet you can see the bond in the way they hold each other so close that they almost become one entity. A connection forms that they both need and I enjoy so much watching.

So here I sit. Josie sleeping so restfully in the room just down the hall. I'm proud of her. She was able to feel comfortable enough to allow me to put her to bed. No fight. No crying. And I had the opportunity to have a piece of the closeness that normally happens with her and her mother every night. She nestled in. Tucked her arms under mine. Laid her head on my chest. Her heart beat next to mine and I breathed slightly deeper than normal hoping to breath in a small part of her soul. I smiled. She really is my daughter and this is her home.

I have learned so much from this adoption. The appreciation we have for Josie is hard to explain. I would never say I appreciate her more than my other children, but I do think we appreciate her better. I think there is a maturity factor that accounts for some of this, but I also think that our lives have evolved and are more settled, thus allowing us to absorb more of those little moments that kids offer. This is not meant to belittle all the time I have spent with my other children, because that time was just as precious. It is just a slight d

ifference I have noted in myself. I am learning to appreciate my other children in a similar manner and thus this adoption has helped this family become closer and hopefully has helped me to be a better father.

I sure do love my kids, my wife, my family, and my life. It has become obvious this has not happened by chance, but that I have truly been blessed. I can only look up and say thank you.

Understanding but forgetting

This weekend we had the opportunity for a friend to speak Creole to Josie. She paused. She stared. She seemed scared. I think there is little doubt that the speech was familiar to her. This seemed to be another example where her Haiti life is a life that she is trying to forget. She is moving on. But yet I am not entirely comfortable with this movement. I am so glad that she is enjoying her new life, but I would like her to understand her past. I know that she is too young to understand everything that has happened to her, however at some point in her life we will need to revisit her story again. Her family is here, but I know that she deserves to understand Haiti and the first 18 months of her life.

She needs to hear about her mother and the amazing sacrifice that her mother made. As much joy as Josie has brought this family, the sadness that her mother may have felt could be so much more. Josie's biological mother made probably the most difficult decision of her life, to give up her daughter up for adoption. I can't imagine the amount of self reflection that is needed to come to the realization that one can't care for their own child. I feel that her decision, although others may disagree, is an expression of true love. She gave up her child so that her child could reach her full potential.

On a lighter side, Isaac came home from school the other day and hopped on the computer. His mission was top secret, but suddenly a letter appeared. Kelly and I loved it so much I thought I would share it....

Dear Mom and Dad,
Thank you for the books I like them.I love you so much.Thank you for the snake again. Josie is so cute and I love her too.I like the jump rope. You are the best Mom and Dad. I like Napayshni a lot. I like Clyde to. you guys are so cool. I like snicker and nestle. It is almost spring. It is sunny outside. We have a lot. i’m going to go outside. I have the best Family. Some times Snicker is a pain in the butt. Kade is really cool. I can see Josie likes the shopping cart.Josie is really funny.



Love,
Isaac

In case your wondering, all those odd names, are the names of my kids pets.

Life and Death

My oldest loves his pets. They are his passion. When one dies, tears flow, and one of the hardest aspects of life is learned. Last night we said good-bye to the corn snake. The corn snake was the latest addition to his collection. He first laid his hands on it Christmas morning, and handled this snake almost everyday. As much as he loves animals, he is paticularly drawn to snakes. Why? I have no idea, but there is a connection that is almost palpable. Since first grade he has said that he wanted to be a herpetologist. His teacher at the time did not even know what that was, so he calmly explained that this was a person who studied reptiles. Certainly not a normal response from a first grader, but to him, anyone that doesn't like reptiles has a lack of appreciation for one of God's greatest gifts. This is not his first loss, but is the first snake to have passed. A tough lesson, but one he understands. It is difficult to say good-bye. Today the snake will be buried. Tonight the sadness will begin to slowly fade away. Another example of how we need to appreciate each day in its entirity, as we too often find ourselves wishing we had lived our lives differently after we are forced to say good-bye.

TV Appearance

It will be interesting to see how our story is told on Miranda this weekend. I have included the link to her home page for those of you interested in watching. Her website outlines times, but I was also told that it will air on WXSP Channel 18 this Friday at 7pm. http://www.mirandatv.com/

The Family LIfe

We spent last evening at a potluck with many of the west Michigan families that adopted from Haiti. Everyone was interested to see how the children would react. A funny thing happened. Nothing. The kids had no reaction. It was as if they didn't know each other. It was as if a group of random kids and their parents met. The parents were social, but the kids took their time assessing the situation. The shyness slowly lifted from many of the children and they would begin to play, but others stayed within an arms reach of their parents. I am not sure what we expected, but there was some anticipation that memories would be triggered. An idea crossed my mind. Is it possible that their lives just began? Not so distant memories have been replaced by a new home, a new family, and a new way of living. Do they only remember what they have been searching for their entire lives? A family.

Trust has been built with Josie and parenting is starting to take shape. We still

try to balance on that tight-rope of parenting and friendship building, but we are starting to lean more towards parenting. Yet we still under

stand her circumstances are different, so different that Wood TV stopped by this week to tape a segment for Miranda. Next, the Advance Newspaper is coming by next week for an interview. Soon we will move into our normal lives and interest

will fade. Yet I hope everyone continues to realize that there are so many children that need families, and there are so many in this world are suffering and need our help.

So we move on. Isaac started drum lessons and absolutely loves it. He wants to be like his uncle who used to be a professional drummer. The drums are loud, but his smile is louder.

So we move on. Kade continues to dream about animals. He continues to want to add to his collection. I wonder if John Ball Zoo has a ro

om we can rent?

So we move on. Moving forward as a family. Appreciating things a little more. Looking forward to our next steps wherever they may fall.

As tiring as life can be, we cherish those moments that so often make us so tired.

Time...

"That was fun". Simple words that rolled off Isaac's tongue. Words that are worth remembering. Today was a "guy" day, which meant my boys and myself were taking a little time together. Time they deserve. Our house and our time has been dominated for the past 3 weeks by our newest member. Josie is great, but so are my other kids. Kelly and I felt the boys deserved a little attention, so today they became my focus.

"That was fun". Words that filled the car ride home after a day of snowboarding. The unexpected timing of these words make them so memorable. The words suddenly appear and I realize they still thrive on time and attention. They , like Josie want to be loved. So our time today served its purpose. It allowed them to know that they are as every bit as important today as they were when they were born. When that focus is on them, their eyes shine and we as parents realize that the time spent together as a family can never be replaced. It is so easy to lose focus in our hectic lives, but suddenly, "That was fun!" can bring a little perspective to our lives.

A Girl After Kelly's Own Heart

She loves shoes, but she thinks Uggs should come with directions.

Where We Are

Kelly and I spent the evening having dinner.  A date night. One of those moments without kids.  Yet we all know that our kids are still present, just not physically present.   Much of our conversation involves our children.  Recalling those special moments that one of us may have missed.  It is a time for ourselves, but also a time to relive the excitement of our kids.  We tell our stories.  We smile.

We both agreed that we have reached a place where we our content.  A moment in time where we can just breath.  It may be after 3 years of an adoption nightmare, we can finally be free ourselves of that weight.  We get to move beyond those daily dinner time prayers of hope and live in the moment.  

Our lives are good.  Things seem a little clearer, and I am not sure why.  Even the kids have changed.  Just today their teachers were discussing our kids.  They have seen a change.  A change that is difficult to articulate, but a change that apparently has been impressive.  Their teachers are proud of them.  I am proud of them.  

Today was one of those days that just felt right.  I could certainly go into the time I spent at a visitation for the sister of a new friend, but that is a story that more than a few words could describe.  I was fortunate enough to have free time this week, to allow him to spend those last few precious hours of his sisters life with his sister and family.  To know that he was able to create a lasting memory, allowed me to smile as I left the visitation.  Another moment where where  God shows us his existence by sufacing during a time of sorrow.  A smile not to belittle the moment, but a smile at the understanding of fortune.   Not wealth, but a feeling of well-being.

Remembering Others

Recently we hosted a dinner to help support one of our friends that soon will be headed to Africa as part of a 2 year commitment as a missionary. I'd love to tell everyone her name, but it is her own story to tell and I am not sure that I could do it justice. The dinner was fantastic, but her story was so much more. A story of love, a story of belief and a selfless attitude that cannot be adequately described.

When I was first asked to do this blog, it was never intended to be about me. It was intended to keep whoever was interested aware of the wonderful people that we many of us work with. So it is with that in mind that I raise awareness to those who deserve it. I have had the wonderful opportunity to spend time with many in Advantage Health as well as with Saint Mary's Health Care System that are doing outstanding things with their lives. Offering, not only words of hope, but lending hands to perform any task asked of them. The story above includes just one of our courageous colleagues. Other wonderful people have just returned from Haiti, with stories that can truly touch ones soul.

I can only imagine what others are doing. We may never know how proud we should be of those working around us. Who knows what would happen to so many if it wasn't because of so many kind hearted people?

An Education

Unfortunately I returned to work this week.  I had planned more time off, but for all of us, things are in a constant state of flux.  So we begin a second stage of life with an adopted child.  I had previously told my kids that even though Josie is home, life continues to move forward.  This week was an example of the perpetual movement of our world, which meant work was calling.  So I was gone.  Gone, wondering how things were at home, jealous that I had to be missing something.

In my absence, things were definitely more difficult.  Josie is adapting well, but she is adopted and there are     behaviors that you don't expect and parenting skills that you are unsure  should be applied.  Between the indecision, my other kids still have their needs.  My wife is holding up well, certainly meeting our kids needs, and loving her children dearly.  She does get tired.  Kelly loves her kids, but like every parent, kids demands can be draining.  

The greatest challenge is bed time.  Josie needs to be held to fall asleep.  Mom is the security blanket.   However, our other kids are older, so going bed with Josie nestled in like a Koala is not possible.  When I am gone in the evening the bedtime ritual becomes quite difficult.  I am so impressed with my wife for handling the adversity and challenges that come with our new family.

We are all learning.  Learning each other, learning our roles, and learning the intricate movements of each part.  We are a family.  We may have our frustrating times but we have each other.  At times we question ourselves as parents.  And then we kiss our kids goodnight. We look down at them in their sleep and realize  how empty we would be without them.  A true gift from God.  

Thank You

During the chaos of the past few weeks, I have forgotten to thank everyone for their support.  It is hard to believe the outpouring of support that our family has received.  Those that we have never met have offered so much, and those that we know continue to amaze me with the sincerity of their daily offerings.  It seems that Josie's story has touched so many lives.

 Laying in bed last night I was thinking, we spend everyday walking among so many people, those we work with, those we see in our daily passings, and those that we consider our close friends.  We interact with so many people, but we don't always see them.  We fail to notice all of those qualities that so many possess.  Those qualities that make people, kind, compassionate, and caring.

I feel as though I need to apologize for those wonderful qualities that I fail to recognize.  I want everyone to understand that I appreciate everything that have done for our family, but also everything that they contribute to our world.  Through devastation comes rebuilding.  Rebuilding of our lives, but more importantly rebuilding of the human spirit.

Thanks everyone!

Family

My children prayed every day for "our little girl in Haiti".    It was our dinner ritual that maybe offered a glimmer of hope.  Yet,   I started to think that for my kids this prayer was becoming nothing more than habit.  A statement they were supposed to say, but a prayer that I wasn't sure a chid could grasp.  I had thought that with time,  a child's reality begins to fade.  I was wrong.  My kids adore their new sister.

Every morning the kids pace outside Josie's door  waiting to pounce as if they were cats on the prowl.  When out she comes,  they maul her with hugs, kisses and those touches of magic that only children can understand.  She plays right along, looking as if she has always been here.

I am so proud of my kids.  They love Josie as much as Kelly and I do.  In their eyes there is not one small piece of jealousy.  They understand her needs, as well as the needs of their parents.  They watch, they listen.  Our kids learn from us and we learn from them.  Together we will teach Josie the meaning of family.

By the way, I unpacked my bag... 

What Is Today?

Today is Josie's second birthday and her one week anniversary of her new home.  It is amazing how our minds work.  The 14 hours of Miami International Airport seem like a distant memory.  The agonizing 3 years of wait, now a nightmare that past as a new day begins.  I wonder what memories of the orphanage now exist.  Does she remember sleeping outside, as those around her wondered about the stability of the orphanage?  Are faces of the other children starting to blur?  Has the shaking ground been replaced by the  stability of our home?  Who knows these answers?  And honestly, do they really matter.  The simple truth is our family increased by one, but our love grew exponentially.   Happy birthday sweetheart, 

Bag Still Packed

Today was the day I was supposed to leave for the mission trip.  My bag is still packed.  As I said before there will always be a small piece of me that could never let go of that trip.  I am still in awe of those that made that sacrifice.

So I am sad.  But a friendship is blossoming.  Josie and I are becoming quite close.  I will never reach the heights of her mommy.  I will adore second place!  Parenting for her is a little backwards.  With our other kids there was always trust.  After all, we were there before time began for them.  Josie is different.  As much as she wants love, her life has been a series of hellos and goodbyes.  There were a few that were always there, but the volunteers that played with her constantly came and went.  She has learned to relax with me.  We play. We laugh.  We play again.  For now, parenting has taken a back seat to trust and friendship.  Tough love will have to come at some point.  Right now we need bonding.  That bonding is the one relief that I have with not leaving.  I wouldn't want her mind thinking that I was just a hello and goodbye.

Another kiss goodnight, another moment my heart pauses.  She knows I will be here tomorrow. She doesn't realize I will be with her forever.

Family first

Well I have decided to forego this trip to Haiti. There were many signs that my time to travel had past. My bag is still packed and there will always be a part of myself that will miss this opportunity. I must admit that I am still having a hard time unpacking my backpack, which has been sitting on my bedroom floor for the past week. Earlier this week I had sent an email stating that I had decided to stay. The next morning, a new communication, saying I am going. In between, racing thoughts, debate with anyone that would listen, poor sleep and general indecisiveness. A decision had to be made, and two people associated with the mission trip both agreed that I should stay. Thank you Mary and Katie/Troy.

Every time I look at my little girls bright eyes and endless smile I feel as though I owe Haiti. Of course I thank God. But this debt will need to be paid another time. My wife and I both agree that we are not done with Haiti and look forward to future opportunities.

A huge thank you must go out to my colleagues and friends at Advantage Health as well as with the Holy Spirit Crew for supporting me with this decision. I cannot say enough about this group to describe the amount of admiration that I have for those involved. True heroes. They can be followed at their own blog: http://haitimedicalteam.wordpress.com/.

One jump at a time

It's amazing how life works. One of Kelly's close friends lost their mother the day we first held Josie. Life ends, a new one begins. Smiles and tears. That is life. We jump from moment to moment, hopeful that each landing brings joy, but truly uncertain of what life brings next. While we shed tears of joy, friends shed tears of sorrow. Yet each will create memories that are so close to our hearts.

So this evening Kelly helped to say good bye, and I had the pleasure of my first night alone with three...THREE...children. Thank goodness Kade and Isaac are old enough to help out. Josie will be two this Friday. I keep forgetting her age, after all she is such a peanut (5% for weight). Suddenly she is starting to talk. We were told that she has spoken some Creole, but to us that is just babble. Tonight she waived a balloon at the dog and said "away". She loved this control since she is still not a big fan of the dogs. Later mama, and dada appeared in her vocabulary. Her personality continues to evolve. This introverted little girl has suddenly started to become expressive.

You hear how children do not develop well in an orphanage, and I have always believed it, but I never expected such a dramatic turnaround. I know that God's Littlest Angels did a great job, but nothing can substitute for the love of a family.

Decision Time

It has come time to decide whether to remain a part of the mission trip to Haiti. The decision is weighing so heavily on me. To go or not to go. I have played each scenario over and over in my head of whether to help those in Haiti or to help my family and Josie with this period of transition. Josie has been great, but she relies on my wife a lot, which leaves me to do a bigger part of caring for our other children and helping take care of daily living. My back pack is still packed and sitting in my bedroom and every time I see that bag I find myself wanting to be part of each scenario. But I only get a limited time to bond with a little girl before I head back to work, and it is so hard to give up that time to go to Haiti. I feel like each decision lets someone down. My wife has been great, and is willing to support me no matter what I choose, but I know she wants me to stay. I can't ever remember a more difficult decision in my life.

Pics

The First Day

Just a few quick observations from Josie's first day home. It didn't take long, but we are seeing her occasionally let her guard down. We see moments where she is a beautiful little girl, playful, curious, loving. But sometimes she reverts to the scared, unsure child who spent 16 months in an orphanage.

She doesn't like dogs! We are introducing them slowly, but she whimpers when they look at her.

She likes to eat! Everything! I am afraid she is going to grow quickly and my wife is going shopping...again.

She loves her brothers and her brothers certainly love her. They want to help her with everything. They have been awake before she is in the morning and they pace in front of her door to see her. They are so in love with their new sister!

Night time is hard. She needs to be held. I can't imagine what it is like to go to bed every night wondering tomorrow who will be there when I awake. I think she just doesn't want to let go. She has not had a mom for so long. At night she holds on so tight, only to wake up if Kelly tries to move. The slightest movement causes her to tighten her grip. I think she is afraid that tomorrow we will be gone. Boy, is she wrong! It is so obvious how important love is to a child. Kelly is tired. It is as if we have a newborn, but Kelly would not have it any other way.

I can't wait to see what today brings. And, as promised, I will post a few more pictures today.

Welcome Home

WOW

I can't believe the last 48 hours. We flew to Miami. Sat in the Miami International Airport, concourse G, from 8:45pm until 7:30am the next morning. It is a long story, so I won't bore you with details, but I will always remember that concourse. Eventually we were escorted to a conference room where we sat for another another two hours. I smelled bad, looked bad, but the move did give both Kelly and I some energy. And I still don't know how Kelly can look so good after being awake for 30 hours. Anyway, at 9:30am we were told that the children had arrived. They were escorted to the conference room next to us while we were locked (not really locked, but it makes the story better) in our room. Suddenly, Dixie entered the room. She is an amazing women! She told us of the long night of getting the children through immigration. AND THEN...families were called out in groups of four where the were introduced to their families. I was astonished to see many of the children run to their parents and hug them. So many smiles, so much laughter, so many tears. If anyone has a hard time defining love, that scene was it! It was as though an angel had handed us our daughter. Kelly cried. I cried (real men do cry). Time stood still...

pictures coming soon

Happy, but yet frustrated

We are leaving at 11:56 this morning. But many more ups and downs. First we were told to book flights, then they said wait...."we may have private flights". 9:00AM today we have not heard anything!? Planes were filling up and we had to move to secure a flight. Frustrating!

But we are on our way to bring our beautiful little girl home, and in the end, that is what really matters.

FINALLY

Josie is coming home! A huge thank you to everyone that has prayed so hard.

God works in mysterious ways. The Haiti mission

trip had to be rescheduled and look what happens.

Hurry up...stop.

No flight today. More hurry up and wait. This has been my life since the earthquake.

What a roller-coaster...

Suddenly things do not look good. Our travel plans have hit a snag. Apparently we are unable to get a time slot for landing. I used to tell my kids that a new grey hair grew every time the did something wrong. Now I think I know the real reason...emotional ups and downs.

Our little girl

Tick/Tock

Our group is scheduled to fly via Amway today. We were told that we needed to go at a moments notice. So here I wait. A little apprehensive since there was a 6.1 aftershock this AM. My wife is amazing. So supportive, but I know she is scared. Also still waiting for word on our little girl. The orphanage directer was going to the US embassy today to try to obtain visas, but even then it sounds like there are transportation issues. The clock keeps moving, but in many ways it feels like time is standing still.

Unexpected

So much for plans. I leave in the morning. It may be best since it gives me less time to think. This may sound strange but I have never been away from my wife and kids for that long. And who knows, I may come home to a new daughter. I struggled with leaving. I have been waiting to have my daughter come home since Sept. of 2008. Now I may miss that first day. I will miss the tears that are sure to come when my wife catches just the faintest glimmer of her face. At least I know Josie will be home and safe in her mommies arms and pestered by her new brothers. As difficult as it is, I just felt so many people in Haiti needed help that I have continued to be a part of this special trip to aid those in Haiti.

Who, What , When, Where and Why!

This is a starting point. This is an update to bring everyone up to speed. I don't know who will see this, so this may be redundant for many of you. My wife and I decided to adopt a child from Haiti in 2007. We have known our daughter since Sept. of 2008. We have traveled to Haiti, held her, and of course had to say good-bye until the adoption was complete.

So here we are in January of 2010. It is hard to believe we can count years of the adoption process instead of months or even days. Suddenlly life has changed dramaticaly. The earthquake in Haiti has hastened our need to get our daughter home quickly, but has also had a tremendous impact on me personally. After our trip to Haiti I have felt a connection. Seeing firsthand the amount of poverty is a memory that I don't think will ever fade away. I knew the amount of help that would be needed, and I found myself wishing I could help.

God answered my prayers and I have been asked to participate in a mission trip to Haiti. So in 2 days, I am off....but before I go, the many wonderful people at St. Mary's Health Care had asked if I would keep people informed by keeping a blog. I don't know what will come of this blog, but we will all find out together.